Mask
So this is something I have quite a confidence in: I can't really control the feelings that come to me, but I can usually control how I show them to people. Especially if it's not a good feeling. I always have that split-second of deciding whether to take my temper out on someone or to let it go. And how much I care for the person in question is not really a deciding factor, but rather how clouded my mind is at the moment.
I'm a social coward; I dislike confrontation. A lot of times I chose to keep the agitation to myself. And I ended up being upset at me for not standing up for myself.
A few times, like just now, I chose to share my agony. Sometimes it was not even a very major thing, but I was tired, I'd tried being considerate, and why couldn't the other person make the same effort? This kind of thinking. And if I'd gotten to that point of losing my patience I certainly wouldn't care how biased it was.
Then I ended up being upset at me for being so unkind. 做人怎麼這麼難? I hate it when people speak hurtful words with abandon. Yet I had that moment to decide, and I chose to say those hurtful words.
So, whether I choose to be kind or unkind to other people... while I just can't let go, it seems I cannot yet be truly kind to myself.
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3 comments:
i hope you're doing well amidst the situation you describe in this entry.
we're human, there is just so much we can control. The rest, well, we leave it to the rest of the world.
what has Mask got to do with the entry? man in the iron mask.
Thanks. =) Now that I reread my own entry, that sounded so angry, didn't it? =P These emotions they pass quickly, thankfully. But I like it when you say "we leave it to the rest of the world". =D
'Mask' refers to the chosen display of my emotion -- whether I was angry yet saying it was okay, or wasn't *that* angry yet hurting the other person out of spite.. it's a mask I'm facing the world with, while here I've got to face these feelings with just, well, me. =P
turn out to be a very well chosen title.
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