.lang

This frustration when resources fail,

This fatigue over ink on paper, dot on screen, bed-hour calling but "two paragraphs left to the end of the chapter",

This occasional doubt of "never gonna get half as good with this as I could hope to be with English",

This faint, faint confidence that in the exact same way, I just might,

This endearing despair of "It's tough enough without this guy inventing his own words!",

This blithe knowledge that soon as I get there, I would so do the same,

This back-breaking haul, rare in these days of comfort,

This road, assuring in its lack of end-in-sight,

This tower to climb,

This promise of pain,

This thrill of hit-and-miss,


I'm loving it. ❤

Anatta

Who I am
shows in what I do;

still, craving approval,
what I do
is not entirely who I am;

at swings of mood,
who I am
does not always dictate all I do.

When you take my hand
is it who I am that you accept
or is it what I do
that you approve of?

If you'd like to keep these traits
that come from who I am,
don't turn your back on those flaws
that wouldn't be there were I not who I am.

Does it matter anyway
who I really am
when all that the world sees
is only what I do?

And yet, who am I
when it keeps changing,
growing,
for you,
with you,
because of you;

who am I
when I want it to change,
to grow,
for me,
for life,
with or without you?

Personality and Manifestations of It

Thoughts triggered by a conversation with Eka yesterday.

Say I have a carefree personality. It manifests in good as well as bad 'manners', for example, I rarely get angry at people, but I am also slack about the standards of propriety.

Say someone else has a strict personality. It manifests in desirable as well as undesirable traits, for example, he is disciplined in everything he does, but he is also unforgiving of others' mistakes.

If I were to stick to this, I'd say take it or leave it, accept me the way I am -- if you want a tolerant friend, then please bear with the slack standards too; if I want a well-mannered friend, then I shouldn't mind the harsh expectations in return.

However, by social survival instincts, I of course adjust my behavior in serious situations, in the presence of elders, and so on. My personality doesn't have to dictate everything I do.

My personality is not a perfectly deterministic algorithm, either -- I might be more tolerant of certain things and certain people than of others, purely by bias; I might be kinder at certain time and place than at others, purely by mood.

When such personalities as mine and the above-mentioned someone else clash, one immediate issue is about limit -- how far can I tolerate his ways, how much am I willing and able to tone down my own in front of him?

But there is apparently another issue that I realized when Eka said, "If this is how I am then it is no good if I cannot be myself in front of that person."

Even if I control the manifestations of my personality while we are getting along, will the other person discreetly wish that I will ultimately change? Even if I can afford the tolerance for the extent of his personality that manifest, will the knowledge at the back of my mind about the real personality be the thorn in the flesh that would explode one day?

好きになろう

Translation exercise again! No guarantee about accuracy, as usual.

Ellipses are him being romantic with details and me being lazy with translating; other than that it is almost the whole short chapter, 'cos I think the whole context is kinda needed to bring the point across in this case.

---

"Just now, there was a special feature about ants on TV. Though I am weak with insects, watching them on TV is OK. As always, I ended up watching the scary thing until the end.

"I found it surprising that the ants, whose bodies are mere millimeters long, can build nests that measure up to several meters. ... When I see the utmost effort of those ants, I am reminded of the significance of living. There is a saying, 'Even one inch of an insect is half an inch of a soul.' [*] -- certainly, that seemingly fleeting world (life) does exist there.

"It also moves me how they fight desperately against their natural enemies. I think that I, too, should fight with such desperation.

"I guess my enemy right now is myself. Without winning against oneself, nothing can begin.

"Often, 'I hate that' or 'I am weak with that'... humans somehow have the tendency to say such things. However, before we say that out, it is important to have the sense of (first) going to approach it. For me too, after coming to Tokyo, there are various matters I have conquered, and there are still some that I haven't. [**] It is all right even if it will take time, I want to grow to like those things.

"Compared to disliking things, developing a liking is more advantageous. Therefore, I want to live on while coming to like a lot of things, while embracing them.

"Say, to the point that it would feel like a companion, like wearing an old pair of jeans."

---

Notes:

[*] 「一寸の虫にも五分の魂。」 The meaning is similar to the English proverb "Even a worm will turn." (Even a very weak person has some amount of strength (when provoked).)

[**] The author is a Nara native who moved to Tokyo for work. (Seeing what variety show idols have to do over in that country, I can guess some of those things he said he 'conquered', poor thing.)

---

Excerpt from 「好きになろう」 ("Growing to Like"), 1999
In 「ぼくの靴音」 ("The Sound of My Footsteps")
By Doumoto Tsuyoshi

Sticks and Stones

Words, number one evil.
When you don't say enough, you offend with your lack of sociability;
When you say too much, you offend with your lack of tact.

Words, number one pain.
When you don't listen enough, you get blamed for not caring;
When you listen too much, you get tired from second-guessing.

Words, what bothersome thing.
When they don't say enough, they leave you feeling confused;
When they don't listen enough, they leave you feeling lonely.

Words, what elusive thing.
What they mean, they may not say it right;
What they say, they may not mean it right.

---

Been feeling the 'calling' for some time so it should be safe to state this now:

I'm making it my lifetime mission to minimize the instances of miscommunication in my world.

That includes painstaking email editing (couldn't get any worse than now), mediating conversations, being mindful, being mindful, being mindful.

Join me. *waves*

弱い自分に感謝

The accuracy of this attempted translation is very doubted, but it's as much for my language practice as it is for inspiration. I kinda need the encouragement right now, and it helps that I'm (still) in love with the author. =)

Liberties have been taken with structure/punctuation and phrasing.

---

"The current me ponders a lot about myself. In 1998 it wasn't so; in the past, I kept taking unnecessary matters to heart, lying to myself, being self-destructive as such. The person that I was rarely spoke up my opinions, even when I disagreed with others -- a very much 'leave me alone' personality. As a result, I found that the invisible burden of stress had unconsciously piled up in my heart. Therefore, I want to live with more kindness towards myself.

"I think there are probably countless people who are like me, whose personality left them feeling choked; lately there have been times when I feel that I [can] love this self even if it is like this. That is when this sort of words occur to me: 'It is all right even if I cannot become a strong person. Although I'm weak, it is all right if I can be strong at the important moments' or 'If while trying to become strong, I lose the ability to feel my own pain or other people's pain, I would hate it. If losing a gentle heart is [considered] strength, then it is better to remain weak. I am thankful for this weak self' and so on...

"When I look up at the clear blue sky, or when I am walking along the street at dusk, these words overlap with the scenery, and the love towards myself grows from the bottom of my heart. I recover my pure self. And, the self that speaks these things -- this too, I like very much."

---

Excerpt from 「物語の始まり」 ("The Beginning of the Tale"), 1999
In 「ぼくの靴音」 ("The Sound of My Footsteps")
By Doumoto Tsuyoshi

Gently

Actions are always forgivable. Intentions may not be.

Regardless

To yourself who have made a mistake
be kind,

and love--
Love that self that is working hard to be a better person.

参考者

このまま生きてる私は  だめか
このまま行く私達は  大丈夫か

不安な思う
あなたの事

【彼】と付き合っているとするならば
同じで  こんな感じかも?

其れなら
30歳の君までを
ちょっと  待って見るかな。

為

How I wish--
do not screw up when it matters,
but I suppose, indeed--
it's all the easier to screw up where it matters,
for the very complexity that makes it matter.

Need No Reason

Cheerful song, nice lyrics. ^_^ I seem to have problem embedding, so just links here. You can choose between the fairly funny PV ('promotion video') or the high-spirited live performance.

TOKIO, "Hana Uta" (PV)

TOKIO, "Hana Uta" (Live on Music Station 2002.03.01)

The Flower Song

Lyrics: TAKESHI
Music: Suzuki Akinori


Ah~ flowers bloom, not for any particular reason
But above me whose shoulders are sagging, they smile proudly
Mindlessly, they bloom in full; though it's nothing remarkable
For the sake of me who's on the verge of tears, the falling petals dance

Reflected in the mirror of this barren era
If that guy with blistered lips were me
Then just a kiss would probably hurt
Those too gentle lips and smile of yours

Ah~ birds fly, not in any hurry
They rip through the tainted blue sky
Before I feel ashamed of my helpless self
I'll spread my wings to the winds of despair; let the falling petals dance

Because of a righteousness called common sense
I can't help you with any single one of your problems
Though I make mistakes, though I know my sins
I won't lose sight of what I really wish for

We exist, with a meaning that can't be snatched away
Even just as it is, from now on, from here on
Then start walking forward; it's alright to lose our way
Right in the middle of an endless road; I believe in tomorrow

Even if you're the quiet type, convey your thoughts to me
Because the cherry blossom trees in full bloom are cheering you on

Ah~ flowers bloom, not for any particular reason
But above me whose shoulders are sagging, they smile proudly
Mindlessly, they bloom in full; though it's nothing remarkable
For the sake of me who's on the verge of tears, the falling petals dance

La~lalalalala...

For the sake of me who's on the verge of tears, the falling petals dance
And now for you, wholeheartedly, I sing

---

Lyrics translation is adapted from Mognet and OhMiya.