Monday, April 27, 2009



Hana


Even when tears flow
Among smiles smeared with sweat
No one can recognize them
Therefore I don't know about your tears.
-- Kobukuro, "Tsubomi"


You're afraid your suffering will hurt my heart
But better that than it breaking when all is too late
Still my hands can't take your pain away
Only my words struggling to soothe your mind

Worldly, worldly matters with hateful control on us
Worldly matters I want so bad to get above
Just to convince you there's no need to worry
To make you happy by the mere fact that I am

So much love, so much it keeps you from sleeping sound
So much love squeezing my chest through the line
We are far from helpless, so then, why...

Even without the responsibility for giving
Even without the burden for receiving
How much can I give when I am not there,
How much can reach you when you cannot see me?

The drops spilling from these eyes
...Because they had no reason to be
I couldn't wipe them away.
-- Endlicheri*Endlicheri, "Someiyoshino"



Tuesday, April 21, 2009



Let's Talk About S**


The mind has no gender.
-- Ajahn Brahm, on homosexuality


I'm not sure how to put this forth unambiguously but, just curious.. do you think of yourself as a certain gender?

I had a small realization, maybe a few years ago, when my supervisors referred to me while talking to someone else in the room, "She [verb] [object]..." (so I don't remember what they said, okay), that I am a 'she'. And hm, that sounds weird too, doesn't it.

But analytically, when thinking of oneself, one would think "I", wouldn't they, so it shouldn't be strange that one is not 'mindful' of one's own gender, non-physically speaking?

My gender-consciousness in early age has started in the form of hating boys back in elementary school, because the first few whom I got acquainted with had been troublemakers; though my best friend and I found out years later that one of them in particular teased her so much because he had a crush on her. =D It might just be that I was simply not used to get along with boys back then, with my sister-only siblings and the cousins plus neighbourhood kids I played with being all girls. In contrast to that, my university days have been spent more among guys than girls because of the nature of my field. Ah, changes.

I'm not sure why I saw them so much as rivals, too, in terms of academic achievements and other abilities. I don't remember having experienced any gender discrimination, aside from, probably, the ambient patriarchy in our culture, Indonesian as well as Chinese. Conversely, this could be partly because I was a bit fed up with the 'weakness' of some fellow girls with the it-doesn't-matter-anyway attitude.

If the above sounded haughty, I apologize. It wasn't meant to be.

In a way, I've grown up focusing on making achievements with a slightly unhealthy dose of feminist tendencies... and, consciously or not, avoided grooming myself in 'feminine ways' in terms of fashion, habits, lifestyle, and other aspects that I think are useless. Which celebrity was it who said there were no ugly girls, only lazy girls? I would fit that category. =D I admire my eldest sister who is a complete tomboy because she is firm and independent. I think our other sister is 'feminine' enough for all of us, so I only feel a slight 'obligation' to be a 'proper daughter' for our parents, to put it roughly. xD I used to grow my hair long because my father liked it when I was little, but slowly pragmatism took over and I don't anymore.

Once when I was chatting with several close friends over the merits of beauty-related shopping (myself leaning towards the anti), a male friend said jokingly, "That's because you're not a girl." I was surprised but I welcomed the debate happily, that "everyone has both masculine and feminine sides and it's just a matter of balance" -- and it wasn't until another girl in the group remarked good-naturedly that it was harsh of him, that it occurred to me some people might find it offensive. (I could imagine if the opposite was said to a guy...) But I believe this friend had dared to say it because he knew I wouldn't think much of it. To some extent, it was what I wanted anyway -- don't treat me as a girl; treat me simply as a person.

Along the same line, a few acquaintances had commented on my weight, either when I gained or when I lost it. Someone (a lady) told me I should lose weight, publicly, and that time too, another girl-friend 'stood up for' me despite myself finding it just a neutral comment. I had lost weight during stressful study/work periods and people who were not aware of the cause had commented cheerfully on that, while I was thinking, eh, this wasn't a good thing, was it? ^^0 But I have grown to like hearing such comments recently because of my surge of age-related health-conscience, ahahah.

Questionable rambling... but that flowed out because I deduce those are things girls usually find important based on these friends' reactions. Still, I think I am too halfhearted, too bound by conventional ways, to be considered really 'gender-free'. A true strong woman wouldn't even concern herself with half of what I'm talking about here. A mother wouldn't care how she looked all rugged and coarse after childbirth and who could be more ladylike than she at that moment, right?

Recent circumstances have made me more aware of this issue, and while I know it might be for the better that I start minding society's expectation on me based on this physical gender, I am a little irritated at myself for the increase in certain gender-associated mental qualities that have crept in along with it. It's not that I have not been sensitive to some (worthless) things (while being insanely dense to some others) before this but well, the expectations that trigger it have become more... shall we say... accessible.

Embrace your inner self, is it, but I really don't need to be girly, I need to be womanly. Human in a female way.

Hm, that reminded me of Tom Jones' "She's A Lady". =D 'Strive on with diligence', self.

This has been triggered by a different line of thought, but just to say that it happens to coincide with Hari Kartini, a day to commemorate gender equivalence. =) I don't know, a big part of this 'discussion' is probably ironically tainted with subconscious gender stereotyping, but if there's one way of thinking I want to propagandize, it is, again, that every person is made up of masculine as well as feminine qualities in varying balance -- define 'masculine' and 'feminine' as one (or one's society) would -- so, let us feel free to be, to show, to live up to either side?



Saturday, April 11, 2009



Of Friends: Past, Present, and Imaginary


I feel like writing, so this time you'll have to bear with the long rambling plain prose instead of the cryptic poems -- most of which probably only understood by Eka who knows the background story in my life, anyway. xD
>> [INSERT] Voltaire: "Anything too stupid to be said is sung." =3

Met my namesake today -- my high school schoolmate, used to be the president of the student union ('Ketua OSIS' =D). That was one of the qualifiers people distinguished us with back then. Ah, nostalgic. Surprisingly it didn't feel strange referring to her with my own name. ...Well, I do like my name. xD *narcissistic much?* (Mom and Dad, おつかれさまでした! =) *bows*)

She's visiting for the long weekend holiday, and I met up with her together with DIsk. Updates, updates, people's (and our own) marriage status/history, reliving of old nicknames.. We Indonesians are really quite creative (and fearless) in conjuring up outrageous nicknames huh.

Eka joined us for a while since I had a prior appointment with her, and I was glad that all of us had a lively talk despite my usual practice of keeping my different cliques separate from each other (Eka knew DIsk but not my schoolmate). I think the indifferent me should learn from her some of that interest and curiosity about other people's lives. ^^0

Eka and I then set off on a hunting journey for the camera she wanted. It occurred to me that we are quite some geeks, lol, though we fancy slightly different ranges of gadgets, probably. I don't know much about cameras and that plus my natural neutrality has triggered Hady's skepticism over my 'usefulness' in Eka's buying process. I wonder if the need for moral support is a feminine concept that most guys do not practice? xD Even then I think neither Eka nor I have much of this feminine trait in us; she only calls on my support when it's something very expensive and I mostly only ask for technical opinions. (I'm painfully slow in deciding on a purchase, but that's a different issue, right.)

My small reunion has also triggered the talk about our own schooling pasts, and Eka was amazed at how different our lives could have turned out if we had made different decisions regarding our entrance to NUS. I might have known her brother instead of her! Ahaha, I guess we had a very fruitful talk today. Like, on the possible reason that we click well with each other. In Japanese personality terms, I'd be an M and she (as well as certain others I'm close with) would be an S? =D (I do hope I'm not treading on dangerous sub-context here. xD)

In a way, interacting with these 'S' friends has made me work on my laid-back attitude towards issues that are important to them, made me improve personality flaws I wouldn't have bothered with otherwise. And despite the occasional discomfort, it is probably a subconscious appeal that makes the relationship interesting and pulls me further towards them. I could only hope befriending me has something of similar benefit to them, probably to train their tolerance and patience towards laid-back people like me? Ahahaha.
>> [INSERT] Christina Aguilera: "Makes me work a little bit harder... so thanks for making me a fighte~r!" =D

Eka blogged about her tendency towards the negative and I guess I'm kinda the positive polar there (hopefully)... though I'm still not influencing her much. ^^0 I aspire for positiveness, I admire positiveness, and I think I still can't stand people who are too negative, but it's curious that I did find someone close to that ideal but that never pulls me as strongly as other aspects in my less-positive proved-and-tried close friends.

In this aspect, I'm very much a my-pace person -- I do things at my own pace -- even though I think it might not work for everyone's situation. My life has been very, very fortunate. I have my down and distressed moments too, certainly, but they pass soon enough; I cross the bridge when it comes, things come to me in time. Reading Eka's blog about her worries, I do think there are worthwhile worries that we should worry and then do something about... just that these haven't been very difficult for me, with all the help I've been getting and all the 貴人 I've met, bless them. Well, in the same spirit as above, I hope knowing people with serious worries will keep me from getting complacent. =S

Now, some celebrity news, since I find myself caring about them. =))

Ayaka, whom I'm a half-fan of, is now married to Mizushima Hiro, an actor I only knew from Hanakimi drama. I thought she was too young for it, but apparently the boyfriend proposed because she'd been battling a disease she only revealed recently, and he wanted to better support her in the treatment as her husband. She's always impressed me as someone mature, and while I don't know much about the guy, this clarification surely convinced me that she has married a really good person. The sad news is that she'll have to put her career on hold to concentrate on the treatment, after this year. I'm certainly looking forward to the comeback of that talent! Winding Road is now all the more uplifting when I'm down with my own insignificant troubles.
>> [INSERT] ayaka x Kobukuro: "Up ahead on the winding road, the self I dreamed about on that day is waiting for me..."

Then... Good Friday was Tsuyoshi's 30th birthday. Lol, it makes me uneasy to be remembering the birthday of someone I don't even know in person, but he did make it a big affair by releasing a single plus an album and holding a special concert on that day. The album music in general isn't much to my taste, but the single has beautiful (if rather emo) lyrics and the whole sky theme he uses for them easily gets me sold. Oh, the inexplicable charms this man has over thousands of us. xD
>> [INSERT] Tsuyo-shi: "[I] can't say, can't heal, can't erase, [the fact that] I love you..."

Lastly, I've started to follow American Idol again. =D At first out of curiosity for this Adam person firefly has been speaking highly of, and to a certain extent, the need to keep up with the conversations of some close friends, ahahah. Well, I soon think highly of him, too. And of Matt, whose performance I can always appreciate, somehow, no matter what the judges think. I have to stream the show on campus though, since I don't have a TV, and when I graduate this month I'll have to tap on all my leeching skills to find it online, I guess. ^^0

Long weekend, long long post. Submitting my thesis next week and will be moving on to the next stage of my research life. Yosh~



Wednesday, April 08, 2009



Kiss the Sky Revisited


From Daily Literary Quote. For lack of a better adjective... cute? =)

To hell with reality!
I want to die in music, not in reason or in prose.
People don't deserve the restraint we show by not going into delirium in front of them.
To hell with them!
-- Louis-Ferdinand Celine (French author)

Past take on the topic