Let's Talk About S**

The mind has no gender.
-- Ajahn Brahm, on homosexuality


I'm not sure how to put this forth unambiguously but, just curious.. do you think of yourself as a certain gender?

I had a small realization, maybe a few years ago, when my supervisors referred to me while talking to someone else in the room, "She [verb] [object]..." (so I don't remember what they said, okay), that I am a 'she'. And hm, that sounds weird too, doesn't it.

But analytically, when thinking of oneself, one would think "I", wouldn't they, so it shouldn't be strange that one is not 'mindful' of one's own gender, non-physically speaking?

My gender-consciousness in early age has started in the form of hating boys back in elementary school, because the first few whom I got acquainted with had been troublemakers; though my best friend and I found out years later that one of them in particular teased her so much because he had a crush on her. =D It might just be that I was simply not used to get along with boys back then, with my sister-only siblings and the cousins plus neighbourhood kids I played with being all girls. In contrast to that, my university days have been spent more among guys than girls because of the nature of my field. Ah, changes.

I'm not sure why I saw them so much as rivals, too, in terms of academic achievements and other abilities. I don't remember having experienced any gender discrimination, aside from, probably, the ambient patriarchy in our culture, Indonesian as well as Chinese. Conversely, this could be partly because I was a bit fed up with the 'weakness' of some fellow girls with the it-doesn't-matter-anyway attitude.

If the above sounded haughty, I apologize. It wasn't meant to be.

In a way, I've grown up focusing on making achievements with a slightly unhealthy dose of feminist tendencies... and, consciously or not, avoided grooming myself in 'feminine ways' in terms of fashion, habits, lifestyle, and other aspects that I think are useless. Which celebrity was it who said there were no ugly girls, only lazy girls? I would fit that category. =D I admire my eldest sister who is a complete tomboy because she is firm and independent. I think our other sister is 'feminine' enough for all of us, so I only feel a slight 'obligation' to be a 'proper daughter' for our parents, to put it roughly. xD I used to grow my hair long because my father liked it when I was little, but slowly pragmatism took over and I don't anymore.

Once when I was chatting with several close friends over the merits of beauty-related shopping (myself leaning towards the anti), a male friend said jokingly, "That's because you're not a girl." I was surprised but I welcomed the debate happily, that "everyone has both masculine and feminine sides and it's just a matter of balance" -- and it wasn't until another girl in the group remarked good-naturedly that it was harsh of him, that it occurred to me some people might find it offensive. (I could imagine if the opposite was said to a guy...) But I believe this friend had dared to say it because he knew I wouldn't think much of it. To some extent, it was what I wanted anyway -- don't treat me as a girl; treat me simply as a person.

Along the same line, a few acquaintances had commented on my weight, either when I gained or when I lost it. Someone (a lady) told me I should lose weight, publicly, and that time too, another girl-friend 'stood up for' me despite myself finding it just a neutral comment. I had lost weight during stressful study/work periods and people who were not aware of the cause had commented cheerfully on that, while I was thinking, eh, this wasn't a good thing, was it? ^^0 But I have grown to like hearing such comments recently because of my surge of age-related health-conscience, ahahah.

Questionable rambling... but that flowed out because I deduce those are things girls usually find important based on these friends' reactions. Still, I think I am too halfhearted, too bound by conventional ways, to be considered really 'gender-free'. A true strong woman wouldn't even concern herself with half of what I'm talking about here. A mother wouldn't care how she looked all rugged and coarse after childbirth and who could be more ladylike than she at that moment, right?

Recent circumstances have made me more aware of this issue, and while I know it might be for the better that I start minding society's expectation on me based on this physical gender, I am a little irritated at myself for the increase in certain gender-associated mental qualities that have crept in along with it. It's not that I have not been sensitive to some (worthless) things (while being insanely dense to some others) before this but well, the expectations that trigger it have become more... shall we say... accessible.

Embrace your inner self, is it, but I really don't need to be girly, I need to be womanly. Human in a female way.

Hm, that reminded me of Tom Jones' "She's A Lady". =D 'Strive on with diligence', self.

This has been triggered by a different line of thought, but just to say that it happens to coincide with Hari Kartini, a day to commemorate gender equivalence. =) I don't know, a big part of this 'discussion' is probably ironically tainted with subconscious gender stereotyping, but if there's one way of thinking I want to propagandize, it is, again, that every person is made up of masculine as well as feminine qualities in varying balance -- define 'masculine' and 'feminine' as one (or one's society) would -- so, let us feel free to be, to show, to live up to either side?