Heart in the Right Place

Went for Ven. Thubten Chodron's talk on Wisdom and Compassion this morning. Paiseh, I usually went for talks only when Soracco got something on. =P But if anything, I suppose this irregularity helps to prevent these lessons from becoming a routine that I might end up ignoring.

Not that I'm advocating, ya. This is what works for me because I am a quite impulsive person -- a lesson needs to strike me at a timely moment, otherwise it's the case of pouring water into a full cup. And actually, exactly because of this I should be going more regularly since I don't know what time it might strike. And I do need it to strike every now and then, because most things fade from my head when not revisited in a long time.

As it is, I'm blogging about it because something did strike. XD This needs some background exposition first, so please bear with me for a while.

So, there is this personality that I picture I want to have. I keep shaping this picture by what is important to me over time. I got upset when someone talked harshly to me, so I decided that this personality would always be considerate to people. I felt guilty over not getting a work done properly, so I added that this personality would be responsible and trustworthy. And so on.

There are two problems in the way I apply this approach. One is that I never concretize the abstract ideas and end up drowning in mundane activities without ever progressing towards that image. The other is that I see my current situation as inferior to this personality, and whenever I commit a mistake that violates this image, I am very unhappy with myself.

(Hady likes to quote that flaws make people interesting. Oh yeah, I agree. But somehow, I'd like to choose the flaws I'd keep. XD)

Now, Ven.'s talk on compassion made a point that, being enlightened means achieving bodhicitta. Achieving bodhicitta is impossible if there is a single sentient being that one cannot feel compassion towards. Every being that we meet contribute to our life; our enlightenment depends on each one of them. (There were raised questions about ants and cockroaches, again, XD but let me not digress.)

I knocked down a child in my rush many days ago and still couldn't get over that guilt -- I blamed it on my temporary absence of mind, but I thought, it wouldn't have happened if I had had the very basic compassion in the first place.

Then Ven.'s talk on wisdom touched on how parents discipline their children, where being truly compassionate means teaching the children to deal with not always getting what they want.

When we were little we couldn't reason about things, and all manners were drilled into us by our parents. Do this because it is good. Don't do that because it is bad. Why good, why bad? Just because. Until, of course, we somehow think back to those when we are older and start discovering (or disproving) the reasoning for ourselves.

From those, I kind of realized why I hadn't been progressing -- it was because I wanted all those qualities without firstly having the seeds from which they would grow.

I have one foot in the belief that, if I have the right motivation in place, then I will naturally take the right course of action, as what my ideal personality would do. Maybe, then, I need not bother fleshing out that image any more -- all those will be there by definition.

Yet from experience, it was always when a mistake had happened that I realized I didn't have enough mindfulness to react properly based on that motivation when the situation occurred.

That is where, I suppose, the drilling should come in.

Regardless of whether I can follow up from this reflection... that has been a fruitful wandering off of my mind during the talk, if only to disentangle some of the mess in my head. So in the spirit of gratitude to Venerable and all factors that have put her and me at that place at that time... let me just revive an old NUSBS cheer:

Hip-hip, sadhu!

Photo courtesy of Bro. Goh Kuan Seng
Candle-holder courtesy of Poh Ern Shih Temple