Benefit of the Doubt

I want to be understanding
But all I understand are my own assumptions
Because I don't know how to ask the questions
Because I don't know if I should ask at all.

I can't say I don't want to do this alone
While I still believe in doing it my way
I can't say I want to rely on you
While I don't trust enough to let go.

I want to give you the benefit of the doubt
But doubt is somehow the operative word here
Not just of you but of me
Because I can't figure how else things should be
Because I can't figure what the question really is.

Tech Trans

So, today's the day I finally left WinXP behind. The free Win7 upgrade (pushed into a partition) didn't make me; hearing about the end of support for XP didn't make me; but now we're developing some Windows library and I figure it's pretty foolish to keep coding and testing on XP, which until today was what my main development PC ran on.

Come to think of it, when XP first came out, I also stuck to Win2K for quite some time. When I first upgraded to XP, I still set the look to Classic. All those square edges looked much neater to me. =D Now, though, they just look old-fashioned. (Or maybe it's the colour?) Which goes to show it was all inertia...

Anyway, I just spent the last few hours installing and configuring stuff on the Win7 partition. It wasn't so daunting as I've installed a number of programs since the actual OS upgrade a long time ago, and some of the other programs can still be run from the XP drive. Migrating Outlook used to be what I hated most about changing systems at school or work, but it's quite easy now that we use Exchange; almost everything stays at the server.

Another recent abandonment, an unwilling one, was iGoogle. This is a greater loss! Now nothing is forcing glimpses of daily news and trivia on me. I checked out a few recommended replacements, but I wasn't motivated enough to create a new account for any of them*. I resorted to bookmarking Google News and Chrome Apps, but then I rarely remember to click on them. -_-0

* It was kind of a wake-up call too, of how much of my online life was hinging on Google and its convenient synchronize feature. Dangerous!

Ah, the nature of technology. Moving on...


[Edit:] I forgot to update that I have since managed to get my paws on The Long War. NLB, you're awesome. (我們永遠支持你!)

[Edit II:] The Long War turned out a rather tedious reading for me, though. =( I ended up not finishing it.

A Day of Kindness

Today I received so many acts of kindness (including material manifestations of it) that I have to write them down to remember. :)

Rushing from my team's exhibition booth to the MRT station, I left my water bottle behind. My colleague noticed and took it back to office for me.

Met Shixuan at the station and she helped me carry my bag while I lugged my laptop along.

Ai Ling fetched the two of us and gave us a ride to the charity dinner, where we were to perform. She also lent me her high heels which were much more comfortable than my own.

I got a bag as some kind of door prize. The draw chances must have been quite generous, as I'm usually not lucky at this kind of thing. :P

Weng Hong won a trolley bag at the lucky draw, but gave it to me.

I somehow won a crystal vase at the lucky draw, despite just telling Hwee Mei that (as I said earlier) I was usually not lucky at this kind of thing. In fact I just went to the restroom as I thought it wouldn't concern me, and Ai Ling went up to collect the prize on my behalf. ^_^;

I saw our institute ED Dr. Tan at the charity dinner as he went up to collect a prize, but didn't think he'd remember me from just a few presentations my team had with him. Hence I didn't go to greet him. It turned out that Mrs. Tan recognized me when we Soracco were up there singing, and they were the ones who came to our table to say hi. *_*

The organizers further gave us perfume bottles and vases as an appreciation token.

The dinner itself was sponsored for us (by Angie?) as we were volunteer performers.

Hwee Mei and Shixuan again helped me haul my stuff (plus all the loot) back to Ai Ling's car.

At the dinner, and at the exhibition too, I was having a good time, surrounded by friends and colleagues I could comfortably talk with (it usually takes me some time to warm up to people). In fact I was slightly worried that in my high spirits I might have been unmindful and blurted out inconsiderate things. :X

All these that I received today felt much more than I was giving back. Guess I can only be thankful to everyone for now, and slowly try to give more in the future. :)

借りてきた言葉

ぶつかり合う時も来るさ　綺麗な事ばかりじゃないだろうから
全てを君と　越えてゆくと決めた

共に歩き　共に探し
共に笑い　共に誓い
共に感じ　共に選び
共に泣き　共に背負い
共に抱き　共に迷い
共に築き　共に願い

ささやかな幸せが　木漏れ日のように　やわらかに降り注ぐ
そんな日々を　描きながら・・・

November: Thunder x Ender x Steam...er

November is looking set on becoming a happy month for my fandoms!

Although, for my own part, some of the happy things may happen much later than that. =/

So, for some time we've known that Thor 2 is going to be released on 8 Nov (in the US).
All the ladies are so fabulous in this trailer, they're reviving my fading excitement for the movie. ^_^

Even more looked-forward-to is Ender's Game the movie, on 1 Nov (again, in the US).
I'm afraid there are too many good parts in the book to all make it within the length of a single movie, so I'm telling myself I'll just be there for the null-g stuff. And shiny visuals.

And I've just found out that the next Discworld book will be out on 7 Nov (UK, I suppose).
Obviously I haven't been a good enough fan because I hadn't heard about its release before its delay was announced. But no matter! What's important is there's going to be more Moist von Lipwig!

But of course, I won't be seeing that book anytime in November. T_T
In fact, NLB, I'm still waiting for The Long War. Pretty please?

(Entry title has to do with the fact that I've recently started reading Hunter x Hunter. Another fandom in the making? =X)

cloudy with a chance of firewalls

clouds overhead are overrunning the sky
dearies, this is really not the time
i'll love you at sunset, and i'll love you at sunrise,
but please won't you let me have my planets and stars when it's night?

Happy Vesak

A couple of personal reflections on this Day for Making Peace with Myself.

Sometimes I just need to give it time.
- Working smart is good when it works, but giving myself pressure to work smart when I can't only makes things worse.
- Not everything can, or should, be solved with a series of shortcuts.
- "Cross the bridge when you come to it" still holds true. Unless I'm supposed to build that bridge; then go ahead anytime.

The To Do list is always long. It's just as acceptable for "taking a rest" to be in there.


May I be well.
- May I always remember how to take care of myself.
May I be happy.
- May I not cause myself unhappiness through anger and worry.
May I be safe.
- May I earn the protection of a clear conscience.
May I be at peace with myself.
- May I always remember to be kind to myself.

May all be well.
- May I always remember to be kind to others.
May all be happy.
- May I be mindful so as not to cause others unhappiness.
May all be safe.
- May I be mindful to help others when I can.
May all be at peace with themselves.
- May I be mindful to accept others as they are.

Indigo

Beautiful world,
Beautiful sky,
Beautiful life;
Why the unhappiness, girl?

Just a hill to climb,
Just a cloud passing by,
Just a matter of time;
Why the impatience, girl?

A hill in bloom,
A cloud golden,
A company beloved;
Why the unhappiness, girl?

Sky Errata

I'd had that quotation* on my banner ("No sky is heavy if the heart is light. -- Winston Churchill") for almost as long as I've had this blog -- but only today it occurred to me to check the authenticity. Alas, the suspicion turned out right: it was mistaken. =X

From the time I first fell in love with that line until the last time I fiddled with its placement on my blog (a few days ago), I've continued being a collector of quotations, and have gradually learned (and thus suspected) that quotations are often paraphrased or wrongly attributed. In this case, it's both. The line originated not from Winston Churchill but from Rev. Charles Churchill, in a verse of his poem "The Prophecy of Famine: A Scots Pastoral":

Nothing but mirth can conquer fortune's spite;
No sky is heavy, if the heart be light:
Patience is sorrow's salve; what can't be cur'd,
So Donald right areeds, must be endur'd.

(Some doubts remain whether or not the comma should be there, as a Google Books result disagrees with the above punctuation. But given the "be", the line looks to me more natural with the comma.)

So now I've fixed the mistake, and posted this in hope that the next person needing to authenticate the quotation can have a more definite starting point than simply the comparative numbers of Google search results. =P


* Also, taking this opportunity, I've finally gone and cleared up** my occasional doubt about the usage of "quote" and "quotation", in both senses of "someone else's words" and "pricing estimate". The widespread use of "quote" as a noun has left me uncertain whether "quote" (n) means one and "quotation" (n) means the other. Well, (in case you want to know) I conclude that there is no such difference: for both meanings "quotation" is the correct noun, and "quote" is the informal noun (while the correct verb, of course).

** Also also, I went to check whether "cleared my doubt" was correct before finally putting down "cleared up my doubt". Obviously I'm now paranoid.

One Third

Only got a hundred years to live

And so much still to be done,
more still that can be done,

that I wonder if the next-life-I
will still be working on what I'm working on now,
adding, improving, (if ever) completing...

But it takes so long to grow up,
    to learn, to understand;
it takes so much to reach this place;

that perhaps the present-life-I

    having grown into the right circumstances,
                                            (I think)
    having met the right teachers,
                                            (I believe)

had better not count on that other hundred,

    not even on the rest of this hundred,

only now--

to do, do, do
as much as can be done.

This day has passed, and your life too has lessened.
Like a fish running short of water, for what do you rejoice?
Strive on diligently now, as if putting out a fire on your head.
May you be mindful of the transience, and be cautious not to be slack.
-- Samantabhadra Bodhisattva

Every Step Is Home

Just returned from CNY vacation in my hometown. Realized that nowadays I often have to rethink the context before using the term "hometown" -- should I say "birth town" instead? While I was here I'd say "go back to Indonesia" but while I was there I'd say "go back to Singapore". =X

Recalled that at my citizenship ceremony, Dr. Vivian Balakrishnan said something along the line of belonging to the nation without denying our ancestry or forgetting where we came from, all of which shaped who we are. That point of view really impressed me at that time and had dispersed the conflicted feeling I used to have about my nationality.

A recent article that addresses the topic of the Singaporean identity in connection to the White Paper on Population also resonates with the above point of view:
6.9 million people and an emotional hump

Not sure whether that link will be permanent, so I hope it won't violate any copyright to quote the relevant parts here:

Singaporean is by definition a nationality, not an ethnicity nor a race.

It makes some sense for the Japanese to fear immigration as they want to preserve their ethnic homogeneity. Recently, when Hong Kong’s leaders made similar remarks that Hong Kong’s ethnic homogeneity of Cantonese people will be threatened by more Mainland Chinese immigration, it made sense too, even if one argues they are all ethnic Chinese.

But Singaporean? What is that?

It is neither race nor ethnicity, neither a language group nor even a religious community. Singapore is Singapore precisely because of its diversity, not because of homogeneity.

We seem to have forgotten the Singapore Story. It is a story of an island of immigrants forged from many races, many religions, many cultures. It is a story of a nation that welcomed different people who wanted to make a better life to find a new home. It is a story of a country whose descendants of these original people still celebrate various festivals, where Mosque meets Temple, where Christians live alongside Hindus, and even if most of us speak English or Singlish, we still preserve our ‘native’ tongues.

[...]

In the end, like others, I feel nobody defined it more eloquently than one of our founding fathers and the author of the Singapore Pledge, S. Rajaratnam.

He said, "Being a Singaporean is not a matter of ancestry. It is conviction and choice."