I think of the word reliable (100).
I think of the word reliant (100:0).
I think of the word division (50:50).
I think of the word collaboration (x:y, x+y=100, x>0, y>0).
Then I think of how my hundred does not equal your hundred.
I think of how one's hundred makes up x < 100.
Then I think
Fifty percent from you and fifty percent from me
is contribution.
But to do this together
means a hundred percent of you and a hundred percent of me.
I want to be understanding
But all I understand are my own assumptions
Because I don't know how to ask the questions
Because I don't know if I should ask at all.
I can't say I don't want to do this alone
While I still believe in doing it my way
I can't say I want to rely on you
While I don't trust enough to let go.
I want to give you the benefit of the doubt
But doubt is somehow the operative word here
Not just of you but of me
Because I can't figure how else things should be
Because I can't figure what the question really is.
My conscience says I'm not making enough effort,
Thoughts triggered by a conversation with Eka yesterday.
Say I have a carefree personality. It manifests in good as well as bad 'manners', for example, I rarely get angry at people, but I am also slack about the standards of propriety.
Say someone else has a strict personality. It manifests in desirable as well as undesirable traits, for example, he is disciplined in everything he does, but he is also unforgiving of others' mistakes.
If I were to stick to this, I'd say take it or leave it, accept me the way I am -- if you want a tolerant friend, then please bear with the slack standards too; if I want a well-mannered friend, then I shouldn't mind the harsh expectations in return.
However, by social survival instincts, I of course adjust my behavior in serious situations, in the presence of elders, and so on. My personality doesn't have to dictate everything I do.
My personality is not a perfectly deterministic algorithm, either -- I might be more tolerant of certain things and certain people than of others, purely by bias; I might be kinder at certain time and place than at others, purely by mood.
When such personalities as mine and the above-mentioned someone else clash, one immediate issue is about limit -- how far can I tolerate his ways, how much am I willing and able to tone down my own in front of him?
But there is apparently another issue that I realized when Eka said, "If this is how I am then it is no good if I cannot be myself in front of that person."
Even if I control the manifestations of my personality while we are getting along, will the other person discreetly wish that I will ultimately change? Even if I can afford the tolerance for the extent of his personality that manifest, will the knowledge at the back of my mind about the real personality be the thorn in the flesh that would explode one day?
Watched Wall-E. Enjoyed tremendously. =) It's impressive how simple the sources of humor are when there are so many hilarious moments in there.
[Warning for indirect spoilers below]
There's the moral message about what modern conveniences can do to us when taken to the extreme, but I'm totally in just for the cuteness. The straightforward, honest cuteness of robots whose idea of romance consists of hand-holding. As TS Eliot asked, "Where is the knowledge we have lost in information?" similarly I thought, "Where is the romance we have lost in sentimentality?"
The only thing that kept it from being perfect in my opinion is the oversimplified (or perhaps only unexplained?) resolution to that memory issue at the end. It's not like it couldn't be resolved without 'magic'-- just copy the data over, la. Though it might still require some Evangelion-style Ritsuko-jutsu to do that directly from the chip. (Actually, I think I'll love it even more if they put in this kind of hardware-level sci-fi action. Throw in some more memory corruption problem and I'll be sold.)
The trademark Pixar bonus clip felt a bit longer than necessary this time, but still all of us enjoyed it throughout.
Aside from the movie, was feeling a bit under the weather today with accumulated tiny disappointments in myself, which led to more disappointing acts committed towards various people around me. Should have apologized but the situations were rather too vague and awkward to, so I applied my usual strategy of 'acting normal, moving on'. Ah, sorry~~
I surprised myself by actually coming up with concrete answers when people asked for my preferences these few days. =D It's of course tempting when someone asks me what I want (with the intention of fully complying) but even without the "false humility", when I really don't have a favorite, it can be quite troublesome. And yet I found that all I had to do was to push a bit further into my impulsive side, set aside the fear of being selfish... and there they were, random quirky ideas jumping out one after another.
I've always been bothered by my own indecisiveness, not only with connection to other people ("anything's fine" could be quite an annoying answer) but also for myself-- now that I'm once again in the transition process from completing my graduate studies to job seeking.
(Ad flash: while I'm at that, would appreciate your input if you know of reco/vacancies for Computer Science R&D, Singapore or abroad. Thank you! =))
I've encountered many good things that are unexpected: interesting points of view I haven't considered, great music outside my usual genre, fruitful reads I have little initial interest for, (recent foosball craze in the lab,) ... that I think I might be missing something every time I choose to stick to my old perspectives.
Not that I'm adventurous; more like I have fairly high tolerance, I suppose? I still need that push from you people to try something new. =D Having said that (this is mostly to certain friends who probably don't read this blog anyway XD) still no chilli and seafood for me please. Those I already know I don't like. ^^; At least for the time being, because my tastes do change -- thinking back to my semi-hermitic school-day self, I couldn't remember nor imagine how I could have gotten into a movie group, a karaoke group, a badminton group... and yet those are the groups of friends I'm glad to have that have persisted for years now.
On the other hand, having no strong stands has been disadvantageous in various professional and social settings, where opinions are needed to further discussions and conversations. But a line from a movie surprisingly made me feel much better about this: "Why do I have to have opinions on every single thing?" (It's April from "Definitely, Maybe" about the Clinton campaign if I remember correctly.)
As far as tastes are concerned it's all relative anyway, no? =D Judgment can be objective according to certain standards, but actual outcome has nothing to do with it -- whether one likes/enjoys/benefits from the subject in question.
You've seen me ranting passionately about songs and shows and things I found amazing (what's a public blog for if not for spreading beliefs? ^^) -- having been in a few fandoms, I think I've developed enough awareness of what my biases are and am perfectly fine with having them. Meanwhile in matters I don't feel strongly for, I will promote open-mindedness and liberal thinking (while trying not to be too hypocritical about it). Isn't that all right? =3
* Title is a "referential substitute" for the preceding line in Frente!'s song, "Open up your heart", which has a different context in that song (a good, inspirational one, by the way). I, uh, like to do this with my entry titles, so just to make sure people actually get the connection, as my thinking process is questionably random. =P
There is a reason we chose this field, and it is the fun.
The minutiae that follow may not be, and we often have to foray into things we'd rather not be bothered about, because just the fun stuff rarely sustains itself. But from time to time we hit that fun bone, and we stay.
After all, it's the same everywhere else... probably.
And so once in a while we come across something that... doesn't tally with current priorities... but one that our hands itch to get on... And I am very much a creature of the moment, and indisciplinedly so.
I vaguely remember someone said something to the effect of: "Whenever you get the drive to study, do it. The motivation to learn is hard to come by." Second that.
Though maybe it just seems all the more attractive in the face of the alternative work which comes with the pressure of a deadline or responsibility.
And another on the way. I sent congratulations, but without seeing their happy faces in person it's rather difficult to truly empathize-- it's not my world, and I can't see myself balancing all I'm doing now with that kind of responsibility.
It did alarm me how I'm still a kid in many aspects (though some I'd like to keep) at this age. I need a definition of maturity that doesn't involve marriage and mothering... one that doesn't depend on other people, one that will help me make peace with my own expectation... and I need to start working towards that.
It's our eighth reunion this year, and eight of us managed to come. Eight is a good number, no? =D Some of you will know why I think that (nothing to do with the Chinese belief of auspicious things). After the record-setting attendance of 19 (?) last year, you'd think it would at least follow some normal curve...
Forgot to bring a camera to the event. -_-|| Somehow I have very little awareness of my possession of that thing (maybe cos I've gotten it free). Ata please remember to upload the photos ya. Don't worry I will remind you for it. Huhuhuh.
Agree with firefly's opinion on the low attendance. For all it's worth, there were last-minute unforeseen circumstances too (some of whom had really wanted to come) and the honest timing issue, so that's not as discouraging as it seems. =P
Admittedly while asking around for confirmation I already had this assumption in my head (that not everyone really wants it) though of course I wouldn't hint on it and encourage the negative response. =D For twenty-four people to feel the same about something is quite unreasonable to expect really.
I have priorities myself, and they don't always follow the queue of obligations. It's probably a bad thing when I was late for appointments because someone was sharing an emotive conversation with me, and I didn't want to break the momentum. (Too heart-ruled?) Low maintenance as they could be, all relationships consume time to a certain extent, and the choices had to be made.
But half-heartedness can be problematic to manage, as we would make compromises and sacrifices only when we feel strongly for something (unless it's a personality trait..) and when I was in the wrong mood I really felt like saying, it's okay if you don't want to come, I understand really; just tell me that so I can focus the planning effort on those of us who want to.
Sorry for that confession, ya. ^^0 It is not a right thing to do, of course, because even while not enthusiastic about it, most of us will still make efforts to connect, either out of care or simply social awareness. And that connection is the important thing, which is why we will still have our ninth (with better planning if I could).
(On this point I'm also feeling bad for not making time for someone whom I usually would.. ah, I've been defeated by money*! >_< )
Am I putting pressure on people with this talk? Hope not. I too might be a reluctant manager who wanted to avoid the responsibility. =P I feed on people's energy and enthusiasm, and I might get impatient when I felt there wasn't enough support that I mistakenly expected.
人間だから、御免ね。
* quoted from Nobuta wo Produce, which, by the way, is a strange drama for managing to be a crack (or is it just the Japanese sense of humour?) while having surprisingly good morale points.
Having escaped the chilly Beijing autumn, now back in hot, hot Singapore. =) Sore, dry throat is unfortunately carried over, but water and fruits should solve that soon.
First day in once-again unfamiliar SoC @ Law Link (nope, we didn't get the permission to change the road name), I kept turning my head at people who looked like any of my friends back there. Parting is such sweet sorrow, ah?
Several things happened yesterday that annoyed me -- petty matters really, but such are my peeves. =P
My reaction, as usual, started from justification:
1. It was their fault.
2a. Hm, but maybe I did trigger it a bit.
2b. Hm, but seemed like they really wasn't aware of the situation.
3. Inconsiderate folks, can't stand them.
4. But wait, did I also do something similar in the past?
...
Well, that was exhausting. Turning to Buddhist teaching I thought, I was building up so much anger and negative energy, I'd better dispel it.
So I started another round of analysis:
1. As the teaching says, these are my "teachers", I should be grateful to them.
2. But I should be entitled to expect certain things from people, no? Surely everyone else has something he/she is particular about, too?
3. Yet probably these things are done not out of courtesy, but kindness, so you can't really expect them.
4. Why should I be angry while they are oblivious to all this?
...
No proper conclusion still.
In a last attempt to find peace I thought back to the teacher figures in my past -- what would they have said?
It so happened that the first one I recalled was 开照师父, from whom I took The Three Refuges four years ago. I was quite amazed that I still remembered his face very clearly after so long (I rarely attended his talks since they were usually in Mandarin) -- such a bright smile left a very deep impression indeed.
Anyway, on the mere recollection of him I could imagine what he would have said: "你这么烦恼干么呢?" (er, yah, a more polite version of it maybe) and just like that, the heavy feelings were lifted off my mind.
It came back to me what he had always said: "不要让此心随意转﹐不要做一个烦恼的人."
There are all sorts of problems with this world (life), and a lot of them are just because we see them as so. They are not meant to be solved (想的通) but rather, to be apprehended with an open mind (想的开). (These are probably from somebody else, I don't remember exactly. And probably not a proper translation, hard to find the suitable terms..)
Come to think of it, it would be the anniversary of my taking The Three Refuges soon. This time, I can certainly appreciate the Sangha component much more. =) Often we know the teaching; we're just not skilled enough to apply it. And we do need those who have truly known happiness to teach that.
Was checking out the new location map of SoC, then I saw the label "LT27" and was suddenly struck with an unexpected nostalgic feeling. =) Ah, I've been seeing that building for years, and now we will be quite a distance away.
(Though one could easily say, how big is NUS campus really, or for that matter, the whole Singapore town?)
I have surely forgotten that I once missed the CELC at the old Admin building, the old NIE park, or the old KR hall (I suppose it's part of RVR now?) just the same.
Thufir Hawat said, "Parting with friends is sadness. A place is a place."
I can tell you many things I miss about Singapore as a place: the fresh air, the manageable size (long live Street Directory) and even more as an environment (the lack of all those things one would be fined for doing)... but I guess the core of it all is a matter of familiarity.
And we humans can adapt very well. The air quality has not improved in Beijing, but my dissatisfaction about it certainly has.
I've been so comfortable with my life back then, with all its ups and downs, with my semi-static circle of friends, even with all that my personality lacks, with all the shortcomings that attack my conscience from time to time. I accepted the offer for this temporary posting in Beijing because, simply, the opportunity was there. Minutes from the so-minimally-prepared departure, I was thrown to the discomforting realization, "Oh no, I will have to make new friends soon?"
By now I know there'll be bits of the same bittersweet feeling towards these new friends when I leave this city, as what I felt when I left for it; as what I still feel once a year on that taxi trip to my hometown airport.
And yet, it might just be a subdued sentimental recollection one year from now.
Much as it may sound anti-romantic, feelings do pass... or change, and I think that is perfectly all right, 'cause I'd like to think that romance lies, in contrast, in all the effort we spend on the feeling while it lasts.
Now is that mushy or what? =D
First laid-back weekend after a while. =) This blog will have jumbled things I've wanted to say for some time, so it's unlikely to be coherent..
First, a link: The Keropok - Singapore Daily Photo
I guess partly because the photos are well taken, partly because I'm rather tuned to sight-seeing mood recently, and partly because I'm currently away... I thought, "Eh, Singapore is quite a beautiful country too." =D (Over here all they say about Singapore is "So clean!")
Hope I will still think so when I'm back in a few months, so I'll make time to look around the few places I've never really explored before. Eka, would you be up to it? As an alternative to our movie weekends. ^^
The photoblog by the way was found through a "Google query chain" for "NUS School of Computing relocation", when I needed to find out the new location of my lab, to re-apply for the expired IT resources. I'm working on something related to web search these days, so these search stuff mean a little bit more to me now. =) My browser starts on Google, and I always have an open tab for on-demand googling the whole time I'm working at a terminal. Now, occasionally I'd feel like I should contribute to my own datapool by using MSN Live Search instead. =D
As for the browser, I've been using Mozilla Firefox back home, mostly for its convenient tabbing. (It is supposedly more secure, too, but I never understand much about computer security, so. =P) Now that IE7 -- pre-installed on my lab machine, while Firefox is not -- has tabs too, I've switched sides.. for now. =D IE's tabbing feature feels slower in response, but this comparison is on different machines. Any of you have the experience?
Before the trip to the Redmond campus, we met up with our General Manager Hon Hsiao-Wuen, during which I asked him if, being "Microsoft people" (of which sense I don't have enough yet), we should be careful in revealing our preference for competitor products to these people we were going to meet (within/outside the lab/company). He said that, they would actually encourage us to experience other products and provide feedbacks and criticisms, but please make sure to convey it respectfully. =D
I did miss the powerful built-in/shell tools I'd been using on SoC Linux servers, and once gushed to my project leader about them. =P Hopefully that wasn't too... er, enthusiastic-for-the-wrong-side. The researchers I work with are very young and the team shares a much more casual interaction compared to the professor-student relationship I've had in campus, so it's easy to reveal those kind of things in conversations. =D
Things are moving at a faster pace for me here, being in a team, compared to doing my own research in the uni. My prof gave me a lot of time to explore ideas; we met once a week; I have life outside school. ^^ Here we have concrete targets and are eager for progress; we meet twice a week, plus occasional sync meetings with another department; I don't have much to do outside the lab.
Conclusion: OT. =D
(Of course a portion of these OT periods is utilized for emails, blogs, chats etc, like now. Search data are huge so experiments have long runtimes, and so I have sort of excusable in-between idle periods, har.)
I'm working on a photo blog for recent happenings, will post the link here when it's ready. I wonder if the amount of photos I'm putting up is giving you the impression that I'm on a long vacation trip instead of an internship? XD Somehow I feel obliged to post them just because my usual folks (family and friends) aren't here to experience it with me.
Last-last week my parents were here in Beijing on an invitation to attend the MSRA Intern's Day. My father has always wanted to visit China (the "knowing your root" thing) so despite my normal paiseh attitude I worked out the courage to ask the management if I could invite them. Glad I did, because they approved. =)
So by now I've visited the Badaling Great Wall twice and the Summer Palace twice, but still I would like, someday when my mood has recovered from this touristy overload, to hike the Simatai and to go all the way to the hilltop of the Palace. ^_^
But aside from the general feel-good I'm probably losing the enthusiastic edge with all that happened in my life, though when casual acquaintances asked I'd surely say they were exciting, just so it wouldn't sound as if I were disappointed with anything, which I indeed wasn't. I am still aware how fortunate these were for me, so I could at least not appear ingrate. =D
But still I feel that I've been giving a whole lot of "it was all right" answers, which were honest, because the amazement did not stay with me for long. Now that I'm analysing this to write about it, it might be because I sort of know what standard to expect once I get into certain situations, so it wasn't as impressive when they came to pass.
Does one become like this when too many pleasant surprises came in a row? It seems like I got lucky once, then one unexpected thing comes after another; and suddenly I look back at all these "high-end" experience that were amazing as I name it but not so much as I feel it... if you get what I mean.
I guess the biggest weight was that I think of it as an "undeserved favor" (Hady's term), and it really is a favor in more than one sense as various parties have kindly made room for me -- those breaks from my regular obligations, less work accomplished because my time was divided for the preparations -- so, for one, my mind was not entirely free to enjoy it, and there's also this pressure to justify this good turn by, in some way, earning the rights after-the-fact.
I kept thinking "I really should be more excited about this!" but you know when you think that you should feel something, it just means you shouldn't, because you in fact do not feel it. Am I making sense? =PP
Yet here I'm faced with an offer for another weekend++ trip to Shanghai with a group of foreign interns end of this month. I tend somewhat towards the negative decision: I'm rather tired of the sight-seeing business after all these weeks; this trip is expected to be exhausting, plus it's going to eat a day into the work week and I don't want to ask for another leave. It's also a bit of a bet, because I'll need to decide (and pay) on Monday so we can book tickets, but I cannot be sure what to expect from the trip as we do not have a solid itinerary as of yet.
The decision comes down to: I'm totally okay not to go, but I'm wondering if I'll regret it later if I miss the opportunity, considering that I'm already in China right now. Classic, eh. =P
By the way, the title came about as I tried to connect these jumbled parts.. and you might notice I've highlighted the relevant words using the color of this text. **PLUG** It is also the title of one of our Soracco songs from the Passage of Time musical, which we're going to restage January next year, and which I might as well promote here. =D Stay tuned!
Looks like it's Singapore Poly Flag Day today. Came across several waves of them on my way to campus.
First wave was just standing there without approaching me. In semi-rush, I passed them by.
Second wave was standing in a group of 5 or 6 on either side of the overhead bridge, chatting to pass time -- looking in all appearances to be ganging up on people. XD Brought the nostalgic term "tukang kompas" ("extorter") to mind... except that these were of course decent girls and boys for a noble cause. This time too I didn't make time to reach for my wallet, and passed them by.
Third wave was just a few meters away from the second, by herself, looking enthusiastic and asking sweetly. Naturally, I stopped and put in some money. =3
This is definitely the wrong way to approach the subject of charity, so I'd like to disclaim first that this post is not meant to go in that direction.
I am of the type of people who do charity if it is convenient. While in a rush I most likely will not stop for flags; if the rush is not so bad, I will contribute if I feel like it. (In fact, most things I do whenever I feel like it, regardless of the rush factor. ;P)
And yes, I belong to the camp of thoughts that says humans do good because it makes them feel good. I volunteer for things I enjoy doing. After all, taking pride or joy in what we do, charity or not, can only be a good thing, isn't it? Purpose has to come from oneself to be a sustaining power.
Does it make us hypocrites then? I hope this quote won't be looked down upon if I tell you it's from a manga, =D but a volunteer doctor in Fullmetal Alchemist impressed me when he said he'd "rather be a hypocrite than not do good" and went on to treat people who'd rejected him because he belonged to the other side of the war.
But I digress. I guess the point of this entry is that, most people will judge a god by his vehicle, and that's just natural.
I used to frown upon those charity shows on TV, but come to think of it now, they did what it took to be effective. I am idealistic enough to believe in the existence of pure altruistic intentions, but I don't think there are enough of these to make an impact on its own without a strategical push in other aspects.
Not to criticize the passive flaggers, though; certainly not from me who do things as I feel like it and who've been out flagging a total of once. =P Charity shouldn't turn into a reward system, at any rate. But the fact remains that people will be more inclined to give to those who "earn it", hence the need to tailor charitable efforts accordingly.
It's been a while. =) Standard explanation would be "real life just caught up with me" but as you know neither work nor my usual "toys" could quite stop me when I got the drive, so yeah, it's really just me not getting any writing itch recently.
To sum up the past weeks.. Watched Music & Lyrics and loved it. Watched Just Follow Law and loved it. *grin*
And oh, for some period, got hooked up on the songs from M & L too. Huhuh. You are gold.. and.. sil-ve-e-er!
Finished Paulo Coelho's The Valkyries that Eka lent me. Finally. =D I lost interest halfway through and was taking an awful long time getting back to it, but once I did, the suspense was good enough to pull me through quickly. Both of us agreed that this book was a little weird. =P I thought it was a little more "preachy" than the two books of his that I read before. Still, there are some good points in there, and I'm looking forward to borrowing another from Eka, my personal Coelho library. Heheh..
Meanwhile I'll make do with a murder mystery from my own second-hand collection. Come to think of it, my collection is quite littered with books I'm not really interested to read.. =P those that (1) I sort of "inherited" just because they were going to be thrown away otherwise, (2) I bought during warehouse sales (yeah, I'm occasionally guilty of The Bargain Temptation(TM)) , or (3) I *was* interested in when I chanced upon them in the second-hand store.. but didn't get around to reading them until my taste/interest/mood changed.
Ah, change. This kind of self-testimony should teach me not to brand people so permanently. =P
Lunch with Eka today, and I found that I said some things to her that were a self-discovery to myself at the moment of speaking (actually, most of my self-discoveries are made in this manner). Well, the pace of our conversations is always so fast (this girl is so efficient =D -- gotta love it!) that I sometimes missed giving the proper credits, but I'm sure she'll read this at some point too. =D
The topic we chanced upon was work attitude. We talked about how we needed to spend more than "regular working hours" to get the work done well, and how some colleagues didn't quite agree with spending private time for work.
I've always been surrounded by hardworking people -- not in the workaholic sense, but in that they take healthy responsibility for their work and they put admirable amount of effort in there. I used to do just the necessary work since I had many side interests that always took up my free time, and it was partly due to looking at these people, including Eka herself, that I realized I really should turn my work the way I want it, and for that, the usual working hours were no longer enough.
I was reminded of a Dhammapada verse about the importance of wise companions and how it was better to be alone than being in a fellowship with "the fool". Never has this felt so true until that point in the conversation when Eka and I agreed wholeheartedly that we do need companions who can pull us up rather than drag us down.
So all in all, at this point, in Eka's term, my "life in general is good". =D It's the point I'm feeling comfortable with mostly everything I do and am involved in. I'm sure this confidence will go downhill at one point in the future, as it has been several times in the past... and as it should too, I guess. No slump means no growth, means no confidence, all over again..
Some time ago a lady was committing one of my pet peeves -- she rushed into the MRT head-on as I was about to alight. So I was a bit *grrr* inside, and in a flash of evil I purposedly collided with her.
Then my reflex just kicked in and I turned back to say sorry.
Don't know if I should laugh or hide about this. Harhar. Pretty stupid la.
Again the moral here seems to be that spite never gets me anywhere...
And should get rid of that little devil inside. The stupid reflex should probably stay a little longer until then, if only as a brake.
Well, yeah, though I'd really love to contribute to creating a polite society, it doesn't quite work with our current crowd behavioral pattern. People generally don't respond to such apologies. They just go on their ways. And it's not the rush-hour factor; it's the same thing with weekend mall strolls.
On some occasions there were responses, in the form of nasty glares from those who apparently felt very violated by my bumping into them. Even if, in my just as biased opinion, it was really not my fault. Ah well.
But I'm not alone. There were also people who nicely apologized when they collided with me. And whatever irritation that was about to bloom, just evaporated. See, we're so easy to please. Heh.
As you know I'm kinda influenced by Japanese culture, which from some references seems to be a really polite society. In the same bumping accident, no matter whose fault it is, they are expected to both apologize to each other. (This is from what I read, anyway; people who've been there, please clarify. =))
Of course the Japanese have their share of wild punk lifestyles which are just as extreme... But I guess my wishful point here is that it is not a matter of culture. My "stupid reflex", I'm quite certain, does not come from reading Japanese comics and watching Japanese dramas. (I'd like to think my parents are more prominent in my education than those... I hope.) Maybe someone from social studies will be able to categorize this better.
Like, shouldn't it be basic human instinct to gravitate towards harmonious relationship with their surroundings? Not even touching on kindness yet.
Or maybe, in tribute to the music I've been listening to recently:
I'm only happy when it rains
I feel good when things are going wrong
Pour your misery down
Pour your misery down on me...
Haven't been feeling like blogging lately, hm. Only been posting articles for the past month. Writing did go on in some other area which is going to stay unpublished... so yeah. =D Then our Batch Five bunch had a reunion last weekend, which I felt like talking about now. =)
A few days ago I wanted to catch up with Ms. Jacqueline (my former tutor) but didn't manage to find her after her class in CELC. So to make my visit to the Arts worthwhile, I went into the Forum Co-op to catch up with the new manga section instead. ^___^ *excuses*
All there are the Mandarin editions. One section is for sale while another section is for rent, S$1 per book. Found this out from the salesgirl, who talked to me seeing I was the only customer there at that time. ^^ I was only browsing, as I didn't intend to buy and the rental fee felt a bit expensive (that was around 20% of the book price, I think?) so I wasn't really interested when she suggested some titles and told me about the membership scheme and such, but she was pretty and friendly so I listened and talked to her, sort of, for fun. =P Anyway I thought the info might be useful in the future too.
Also the other day I was trying on a necklace without intending to buy, but again the salesgirl was nice and talkative and I was feeling like trying out those things, so I "humored" both of us. Now that I think about it, maybe I was in fact wasting their time and effort? Huehuehue. But it's their job anyway so I don't have to feel guilty ya? Like, better than being bored when no customers come? =D I felt that way when I was doing poster presentations (equals selling ideas what) but maybe not everybody share the same opinion ah.
Felt a bit guilty anyway for my shopping companions who would have to go on the wild goose chase with me... More reasons for (window-)shopping alone. =P But I'll still drag my sister to buy clothes with me, ha.
But back to the topic... No matter if the smiles and friendliness are just for business, I'm still drawn to those. Luckily I'm stingy enough to balance that. (Er, or maybe not? =P) In my recent trip to the U.S. I found that the salespeople were very friendly -- the moment I walked into their field of view they put on a big smile and asked, "Everything okay?" (In this case they meant "Anything I can help you with?" but I think it is quite a common, general greeting that can also mean "How are you?" sort of thing.) In one particular art store the salesgirl was a "metal" kind of girl with torn jeans and everything, so when she asked in her raspy voice, "Everything okay?" it frightened me a little =D but all was fine.
On a more recent news... went to NUS Rag Day today... but as usual I'm lazy to relate an event that I share with friends (maybe because the experience is already shared so I don't have that need to "vent"). So just wait for Eka's blog to be updated, since I'm sure she will put it in her next entry, and she is a better reporter/movie critic than me. =D In short, I'm very happy that KR won a lot of awards this year! ^^
One thing I do want to vent about, is about this auntie who told us, as we squeezed our way to a better part of the audience area, that we couldn't stand in a particular spot as it would block her view. Hm, complicated yah, since where do rights end and selfishness begin? I mean, from her perspective it must be irritating that three girls came later than her and stood in front of her, so she couldn't watch it sitting down anymore. Another group of people did that to us earlier and we felt a little irritated ourselves. But in a crowd like that, I didn't think we could really expect convenience (not VIPs weh) so we bore with it. Then was it that we should be considerate and not block her view or she should be considerate and let us watch from there? I tried to squeeze away from her as a compromise, and asked if the position was okay, but she didn't want to look at me anymore, so I also took offense. =P Erm, not feeling good about that la, but what to do... heh.
Somehow, I'm particularly irritated by small gestures of un-thoughtfulness:
- people who walk side by side on the pavement and do not bother giving way to pedestrians going on the opposite direction
- people who stand head-on at MRT doors and walk right in as it opens, so alighting passengers have to bump into them
- people who proceed to lean their whole backs on MRT poles without noticing/caring that there are fingers holding on to the poles (and in a moment of nastiness made me want to poke my nails into them, if only I had long nails and if these people looked clean enough =P)
I quite wonder about this myself. I mean, there are supposedly larger things I should have gotten irritated at but do not, so why am I so particular about these? Maybe because I was here when the government started off the courtesy campaign with all the posters starring Jack Neo in buses and MRTs some years ago? =P Hopefully I do not subconsciously do these things myself sometimes, ha.
What's the point in slacking if I'm going to feel guilty about it?
Worse thing is, the one I'm trying to fix is the feeling guilty part. =D
